Films from the Crypt: Episode 5 - Blood Diner

Films from the Crypt: Episode 5 - Blood Diner (1987)

Tagline: "First they greet you, then they eat you."

Director: Jackie Kong

View the FILM ONLINE

Starring: Carl Crew, Rick Burks

When someone asks you what the best horror remake is, what do you say? Usually it's going to be The Thing. Some might say Dawn of the Dead. The misguided might say Halloween. But there's one film that rarely, if ever, comes into the conversation, but most definitely should, and that's Blood Diner.

Blood Diner is the 1987 redux of the classic HG Lewis flick Blood Feast. To be fair, if there ever was a film to warrant the term "re-imagining", this is it. If you've seen the Lewis film, you know it can be a little tedious and kind of drag on a little bit. I don't mean to take anything away from Mr. Lewis and his importance to the genre, it's just sometimes difficult to watch. Blood Diner on the other hand is a film meant for viewers with ADD. Or that are on copious amounts of drugs.

The film is a pitch dark comedy featuring two brothers, Michael Tutman (Rick Burks) and George Tutman (Carl Crew) that take on the task of completing the resurrection the Lumerian goddess Sheetar, after their serial killer uncle Anwar Namtut (Drew Goddars) fails to do so (and is killed in the process).In order to ressurrect Sheetar,the two brothers must piece together different body parts from nefarious women, and invoke the goddess at a "blood buffet" with a virgin on hand for Sheetar to eat when she awakens. The brothers, all the while, are running the very popular Tutman Cafe, which serves health food that's "too good to be true". Hmm. Two goofball detectives are hard at work trying to track down the brothers the whole time.

I'll be honest with you, this is one of the most ludicrous films I've ever seen. Don't believe me? Watch this clip and find out for yourself. And that's only the half of it, other insane moments in the film include George's wresting match with "Jimmy Hitler" (pictured), a 400 pound health food critic that vomits on all of the patrons of the Tutman Cafe, an insane competitor to the cafe that talks to and through a life-sized dummy, and a topless cheerleader massacre. And if that's not enough reasons for you to watch this film, wait until you see the party scene in the final act. Pure gold.

I really don't want to spoil the film. Let me take that back, I don't want to spoil the great gags in the film, because you need to see this one relatively fresh. As it was, the first time I watched it I was completely unsure of what to expect. The film starts off innocently enough, two kids at home in the 1950s are interrupted by a bloody, meat clever wielding killer as the play in their homes. Turns out the man holding the clever is none other than the kids Uncle Amwar! Amwar goes off on a small rant about how he had to cut off his own dick and then makes the two kids promise they will finish his work for him. They agree, the cops show up, he goes out to greet them and...well, just watch it.

Finding this film on a home video format would be easier said than done, because the film has only officially been released on VHS. You can maybe find a bootleg DVD on Amazon or eBay every now and then, surely it's just a VHS transfer, but better than nothing. Of course, there's a link at the top of this post that will take you to the film in its entirety on Youtube, if you can stomach watching it in that format. Again, it's better than nothing. And this Blood Diner is a must watch.

It's difficult to find the words to accurately describe Blood Diner. I don't want to give the impression that there is unintentional comedy here, they knew what they were doing when they made this flick. Most of the camp in this film is definitely by design, except for maybe some of the worst acting - namely Detective Shepard. A lot of movies that "know" they are bad, and play that aspect up, end up really sucking (a lot of Full Moon pictures come to mind), but Blood Diner really works. It ain't Re-Animator, but it's a great unheralded gem just waiting to be discovered.

7/10