Films from the Crypt: Episode 14 - The Last Slumber Party (1988)

Films from the Crypt: Episode 14 - The Last Slumber Party (1988)
IMDb link: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0212302/
Director: Stephen Tyler (not that one)
Starring: Jan Jenson
Tagline: "...where the girls are DYING for a good time."

Full disclosure here, The Last Slumber Party is a film that is near and dear to my heart. My friends an I "discovered" this gem many years ago while trolling our local Blockbuster Video for bad horror fare. And we hit the mother lode with The Last Slumber Party.

I've seen this movie many, many times over the last few year. I rented it so many times from Blockbuster, that I wound up just keeping the tape. I eventually upgraded to the bare bones double-feature DVD (which comes along with Terror at Tenkiller).

The plot, such as it is, is about a group of three teenage girls (Linda, Chris, and Tracy) who celebrate the last day of school with a sleepover. The three ladies hang out and do stupid stuff at Linda's house. Of course, being an eighties movie, some cool bros decide to crash the party and get with these young ladies. As it turns out, while all of this is going on a patient of Linda's dad (Dr. Sickler) flips out when he's told he's going to be receiving a lobotomy (!) and flees. He kills two people with a stolen scalpel and dons an orderly uniform.

There's a lot of really confusing stuff in this movie. Linda's dad seems to appear and disappear whenever it's convenient. He goes to get some orange juice at one point and is gone for forever. There's an out-of-place dream sequence that involves some supernatural elements. I don't know, it's probably best not to overthink this one, but it sure is fun. There's lots of cool eighties cliches to poke fun at (cool mullets, a nerd named "Science"), and honestly the whole movie is just plain awful.

It's a shot on video movie, and as far as I can tell the director Stephen Tyler never really went on to do much else (except for fronting Aerosmith!). There is one other listing for him on IMDb and it's some bizarre sex movie from Japan in 2002. He's listed as co-director. That seems strange. You can tell that he just had some friends that would let him shoot in their house so he decided to make a movie.

The gore (which is VERY minimal) is pretty awful. They do a lot of extreme closeups, particularly when the villain is cutting someone's neck with the scalpel. Usually the blood starts pouring about halfway through the cut, which seems like accurate anatomy.

I don't know. You either like this kind of crap, or you don't. I doubt I could convince anyone to like this movie, but maybe I can make more of you aware that it's out there. I wholeheartedly endorse it. I would definitely recommend that you watch it with a group of friends that are game to riff on the film. It's way more fun that way.

Oh yeah, and just so you know, none of those girls on the box art are in the movie.

Films from the Crypt: Episode 13 - Maximum Overdrive (1986)

Films from the Crypt: Episode 13 - Maximum Overdrive (1986)
Director: Stephen King
Starring: Emilio Estevez
Tagline: "Who Made Who?"

Warning, here there be spoilers:

The poster tag "...masterpiece of terror directed by the master himself" may be a little bit of an overstatement. In reality, Maximum Overdrive is one of the campiest, most fun horror flicks of the eighties. And, it's pretty easy to see that it was intentional when the first scene has an ATM calling Stephen King an asshole.

The plot is pretty simple. The earth passes through the tail of a comet and, without warning, all of earth's machines take on a life of their own. Oh, and they are murderous. Can't forget that part. We never actually come into any realization as to why the machines are rebelling, I guess it's technically possible that there are invisible aliens that are driving the trucks around. The main story follows a group of people that are surrounded by circling semi-trucks inside a gas station. These include a pervy Bible salesman, newly wed couple, and a badass ex-con played by the Mighty Duckman himself, Emilio Estevez.


Just look at the poster to get a sense of the overall awesomeness of the film. Yeah, I think it's a picture of a well-bearded Steve King breaking through a trailer holding strings attached to semi-trucks like he was the puppet master of so many marionettes. Then you've got Gordon Bombay holding an M16 like he's gone commando while standing next to the female lead.

The characters are underdeveloped, the plot is so full of holes it's ridiculous, and the gore is fairly light, but dammit, this movie just works for me. It's such a ridiculous premise and the leads play it completely straight, ostensibly to give the terror some legitimacy. But the cheese that spews forth from Emilio playing a hard nosed ex-con taking on both shitty boss Pat Hingle (who is excellent by the way) and an onslaught of nefarious, sentient trucks is just amazing beyond words. If somebody pitched that movie to me, I would green light it faster than you can say Another Stakeout.

At this point, let me go back and address the gore, and say that I have only seen the cut version - word is there is another print of the film that has all the kills in tact. I'm holding out hope that the infamous "little kid run over by a steamroller" kill gets even more awesome in the uncut version.

I also want to discuss a little bit about, at least what I see as, the major plotholes. For instance, why are some machines controlled by the alien force, and some are not. Why does the force not just take over the newly weds car instead of trying to use a dump truck to squash them? It seems like it would be easier. We also know that the force is capable of taking over simpler machines, like guns (as is seen when the rolling machine gun acts as a sentry at the gas station), but in the final act all of our protagonists use guns in an attack against the truck menace. It boggles my mind! I'm assuming that someone of King's caliber recognized this and either didn't feel the need to address it, addressed it and it was cut, or just didn't give a damn.

But, the fact of the matter is that none of these flaws make me like the film any less. In fact, I think they are kind of endearing. In reality, I should think that this movie is pretty shitty, and maybe it is, but I happen to think it's awesome.

7/10

Films From the Crypt: Episode 12 - Home Movie (2008)

Films from the Crypt Episode 12: Home Movie (2008)
Director: Christopher Denham
Starring: Adrian Pasdar

Warning, here there be spoilers:

Generally on the Films from the Crypt section we take a look back at some older films that you may have missed, but today I make an exception. Today we are going to look at a film that was released a couple of years ago called Home Movie. Released at the beginning of the Second Found Footage Wave (my own moniker), Home Movie is just that - a found footage film. But unlike something like Cloverfield, Home Movie is a very, very small film that centers around a family in upstate New York. The family, the father (a priest - played by Adrian Pasdar or, as I know him, Caleb from Near Dark) the mother (a psychiatrist), and two kids, have moved to the rural countryside in order to ease the children's declining mental states.

I don't know how much of a spoiler it is to say that this is a killer kid film, as you can probably gather that by looking at the back of the box. And, let's be honest, who doesn't love killer kid films? From the Bad Seed to Who Can Kill a Child? to The Good Son, killer kid flicks are just great. Mine is still just shy of three months old, so I don't have to worry too much about him, but I wonder if I'll still feel this way when he gets a little older...old enough to weild, say, a hammer?

Anyway, so the two little freakish kids wind up being just a little bit more malevolent than the parents ever thought. That's all well and good, but my absolute favorite part of the film is the filmmaker's propensity to wrap everything up very nicely. At the end of the film (LAST WARNING - SPOILERS AHEAD) when the kids finally best ol' mom and pop, they put to use every bit of advice that the dad had given them in attempts to "normalize" them. Here is a list of things that I picked up on that were originally taught to the kids by the parents, and then turned around on them to be used for their demise:

Trash bags for dead things.
The dragon/paper mask story.
The picking of the locks.
The tying of the knots.
The ability of the pills to induce comas.
The use of a baseball bat.

Overall, it's an interesting film. That's not to say it's fantastic or anything. The acting is pretty flat, at times it's not lean enough to keep you from wanting to hit fast-forward, and sometimes the camera work can get on your nerves. It's definitely not the best found-footage movie (I'd give that title to Spain's [rec]), but it is an entertaining, and deeply interesting piece that works, for the most part, on all the levels that it attempts to. It's definitely recommended viewing and a nice find in the onslaught of crappy horror that's produced today.

6.5/10

Films from the Crypt: Episode 11 - The Slumber Party Massacre (1982)

Films from the Crypt Episode 11: The Slumber Party Massacre (1982)



Director: Amy Holden Jones

Tagline: "Close your eyes for a second...and sleep forever!"

Starring: Michael Villela, Michelle Michaels, Debra Deliso

It's recently come to my attention that the Slumber Party Massacre DVD has gone out of print. Being someone that owns the disc, I've contemplated selling it on eBay - some of the asking prices are outrageous on there - but I just don't know if I can part with it. You see, The Slumber Party Massacre is one of my favorite eighties slashers. I'm card carrying - I've got the shirt from Fright-Rags and have seen all of the sequels including the T'n'A'd out Cheerleader Massacre (which, oddly enough, has more connection to the first film than you would think). It's a great film - and actually a pretty fun little series.

Before we discuss the plot, let's talk about the film's humble beginnings. According to legend, feminist author Rita Mae Brown originally wrote a draft of the script that was a parody of the burgeoning slasher genre - one that served as a wake up call to the misogyny showcased in such films. Of course, when the studio got a hold of the script they trashed all the spoof elements, rewrote it, and played it straight. Strangely enough, a few years later The Slumber Party Massacre II would arrive, being a parody itself (and one I'm rather fond of - I may do an episode on it in the future).

Anyway, all of that aside, Slumber Party Massacre is a little light on plot. A few girls have a slumber party when some parents are away, the new girl feels like an outcast, blah blah blah, and then they get murdered by a power tool wielding, fresh out of the sanitarium psycho name'a Russ Thron. That about sums it up. And if that little synopsis doesn't entice you, then I can't do anything for you and your life sucks.

But, oh, SPM, why do I love thee? Is it the gratuitous flaunting of nubile female skin? Is it the fact that the kills aren't always spectacular, but are always full of vigor? Or is it the absolute lack of pretension, the lack of irony, and the unwavering feeling like you are trying to act like a real film? I think it has to be all of these things.

The kills, while fun, aren't up to snuff if you've cut your teeth on the likes of mid-series Friday the 13th or anything after that. But, I'll be damned if the film-makers didn't give it that old film school dropout try. Which is how the whole movie feels. There's a tenacity to it, and a certain built-in naivety that permeates the production. It's there in the original Friday the 13th as well. It's there in The Burning and Sleepaway Camp. But, it's decidedly absent from any of the new onslaught of slick remakes. It's also absent from films done by extremely competent directors - like Carpenter's Halloween - because they are just too good. It's a quality that can't be reproduced. And that's why I love The Slumber Party Massacre - it's the spirit of this whole damn cheapie slasher movement that is encapsulated in these early eighties films that really gets me more than anything else.

So, if you can find it, I heartily suggest that you pick yourself up a copy of The Slumber Party Massacre and give it a watch some Friday night. Watch it with a bowl of popcorn in your jammies, maybe with a group of friends (if you have any, nerd). I guranty you will not regret it.

Films from the Crypt: Episode 10 - Elves (1989)

Films from the Crypt: Episode Ten - Elves (1989)

Director: Jeffery Mandel

Tagline: "They Don't Work for Santa Anymore!"

View a CLIP

Starring: Dan Haggerty

WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD

Tis the season, so let's take a look at a holiday-oriented horror flick. Elves is pretty much a clusterfuck from the very beginning. The plot is a mess that's really hard to decipher, but I'll try.

Our young heroine Kristin and her friends hold a ceremony in the woods (using her grandfather's ancient book!) and unwittingly awaken a long dormant elf from his slumber. Of course, the elf isn't one of Santa's helpers, but instead it's some kind of retarded, pint-sized troglodyte bent on killin'!

From there, the elf (yes, there's just one in the whole picture - even though the damn title is ELVES) begins his shitty bloodbath beginning with a department store Santa. Somewhere after that we become privy to the exceptionally ludicrous plot that has something to do with Nazis creating the elf in order to breed with a pure virgin in order to kick start the Aryan nation. There's also an odd revelation when we realize that Kristin's grandfather is also her father! I swear to God.

And, we can't forget about the chain-smoking, tough-as-nails, do-gooder Mike (played by mountain man, Dan Haggerty). He takes over as the mall Santa after the original one is mauled by the elf. When Kristin and her friends decide to sleep over at the local mall, and some old Nazis and the elf show up, Mike jumps at the opportunity to be her knight in woolly armor.

Anyway, from there it gets sillier and sillier until finally it ends in true shitty movie, anticlimactic fashion. There's more that could be said about the plot, convoluted mess that it is, but I'm going to keep this one short. The bottom line is that you need to get your hands on a copy of this flick this Christmas season. A word to the wise, however, you may want to have some punched-up egg nog around while you do.

Films from the Crypt: Episode 9 - Fright Night Part 2 (1988)

Films from the Crypt: Episode Nine - Fright Night Part 2 (1988)

Director: Tommy Lee Wallace

Tagline: "Welcome back..."

View the trailer

Starring: William Ragsdale, Roddy McDowell, Julie Carmen

WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD

Up until last night, I had never seen the sequel to one of my all time favorite vampire flicks, Fright Night. I really hadn't ever even thought to seek it out. The Artisan DVD has been out of print for a years, making it difficult to find, plus I had never read any good reviews over it to begin with. I thought I'd just let it go the way of The Howling Part 6 and Children of the Corn Part Whatever The Hell They Are On and just not see it.

But, it just so happened that yesterday was a particularly boring, and lazy, day for me, so what better way to spend it than by watching a dubiously acquired copy of Fright Night Part 2? And that is just what I did. And I didn't hate it.

Here's the thing: Fright Night is one of the more beloved genre pictures of the eighties and the reason for that is almost exclusively because of the characters. Everybody loves Charley Brewster (William Ragsdale) and Peter Vincent (Rowdy Roddy McDowell) so much that how could making another film with them go wrong? And to a certain extent, the film works like that. We get the familiar characters and we don't ask too many questions because we are getting what we want (SPOILER ALERT: like why is Regine halfway immune to crucifixes because of her age - - but her thousand year old "brother", Jerry Dandrige, wasn't?). The only real problem here is that Charley really isn't Charley anymore - - at least not the Charley we love. For some reason (and yeah, it's because it's an easy/lazy plot device - just reverse roles from the first film) they wrote Charley as the skeptic in this one. He goes to therapy for three years and stops believing in vampires, yada, yada, yada.

But, of course, we still get enough of Charley to keep us watching. Plus McDowell's Peter Vincent (couldn't we call him Cushing Price?) is still spot on and wonderful. Of course, after we get past the characters, most of the film is a mess. You've got plotholes, loose ends, and shit that just doesn't make sense. I'm never really sure whether Jon Gries' character Louie is a werewolf or a vampire that wolfs out because the equally confusing Bozworth character (who deflates and is full of bugs late in the film - some sort of zombie/ghoul?) always tells him to bite Alex on the neck!

Then we've got the rollerskating androgynous vampire and Regine. The rollerskating vampire is just kind of their, but Regine is really the pivotal baddie here. She's Jerry Dandridge's sister and is out for vengeance on Charley and Peter. I don't know why the hell she had to make her self so noticable - going so far as to take over Peter's role on the TV show "Fright Night"! But, there you have it. The entire plot of the film. Not much to it, but it was a decent enough way to kill a Sunday afternoon while eating some ice cream and laying in bed. The movie's not good, but it's not bad. But it was too bad Evil Ed was too busy making gay porn to reprise his character for the sequel.

5.5/10

Films From the Crypt: Episode 8 - The New Kids (1985)

Films From The Crypt: Episode 8 - The New Kids (1985)

Tagline: "The kids learned three things about southern hospitality, blood, sweat and terror!"

Director: Sean S. Cunningham

Watch the FILM

Starring: Lori Loughlin, Shannon Presby, James Spader

Sean S. Cunningham is certainly not known for his post-Friday the 13th output. Most people know him as the man that produced Last House on the Left, or the one that directed Friday the 13th. Both are rightful claims to fame, and I'm sure he has no problem being associated with those films, but he has had a career after F13. Notable films - for better or worst - from his later career includ Deep Star Six, Spring Break, and our Film from the Crypt, The New Kids.

The New Kids is a well crafted, very eighties, film that blends a few different genres together to create a taut thriller. There are elements of revenge films, backwoods films, teen romance, even slasher films to be found in The New Kids. Perhaps the best part of the whole thing is that Cunningham allows for his film to stay true to the exploitave elements without shying away when it comes time for the bloodletting. That's not to say it's a gore film by any means, but it's, sometimes, a very mean picture. As an extra bonus, if you watch the film you'll get to see James Spader, Lori Loughlin, and Eric Stoltz as young 'uns!

The picture starts off by showing our two stars - Loren (Shannon Presby) and Abby McWilliams (Lori Loughlin) - doing their early morning work outs with their military man father played by the always superb Tom Atkins. Soon after, the mother and father are killed in a car wreck and the kids are hastily moved down south (to Florida) to live with their aunt and bumbling uncle at their second rate amusement park (Santa's Funland!).

The new kids, used to being moved around as army brats, begin their Florida scholastic career but soon realize that not all is right in their new town. After a few run-ins with the local high school Charles Manson (Eddie Dutra - played by James Spader) and his gang of redneck goons, Loren and Abby decide that they have to fight back. Of course, in doing so, they escalate things even more and we're in for the showdown of the century that naturally makes its way to the amusement park (Bloodbath at Funland!).

The entire movie is played straight. All the kids do their best to pull off their roles and most of them do an admirable job. The script is not exceptionally strong, so the actors and director really had to step up in order to keep the film from sinking. Probably the major attraction here is Spader's Dutra, as dastardly a bad guy as has ever been put on the screen. Spader plays becomes that bleach-blonde bastard with ease and is the only one in the film that is actually able to take it to the next level.

I don't want to give you the false impression that The New Kids is a wonderful film or anything, it's not, but it is solid. It's a good picture with heart. And, as much of a genrephile as I am, that's a rarity with movies like this. If you're in the mood for a fun, dirty picture that you may not have seen before, I recommend you try out The New Kids and see what you've been missing.

6/10

Films From the Crypt: Episode 7 - Shocker (1989)

Films from the Crypt: Episode 7 - Shocker (1989)

Tagline: "On October 2, at 6:45 AM mass murderer Horace Pinker was put to death. Now, he's really mad."

Director: Wes Craven

View the TRAILER ONLINE

Starring: Peter Berg, Mitch Pileggi, Michael Murphy

Wes Craven has definitely made very good films, and very bad films in his up and down career. But there is only one that has me so conflicted as to what to think about that I really don't even know whether I like it or not! And, it would appear that I am not the only person that is caught somewhere in the middle with this movie, check out the IMDb rating it's a 4.9.

SPOILERS AHEAD

The film starts out well enough, we find out that there is a maniacal serial killer on the loose that is offing entire families as they sleep via a newscast as delivered by John Tesh! After this, we are introduced to our hero, young Jonathan Parker (Berg), college football player and all around good guy. After suffering a concussion from running into a goalpost, Jonathan has a strange dream in which he witnesses the murder of his adoptive family at the hands of the serial killer (yes, that's right - dreams and a serial killer also figure prominently in another Wes Craven film).When Jonathan wakes up from his nightmare on his street, he finds out that his family actually has been massacred! DUN-NUH-NUH!

Okay, so, since Jonathan witnessed the murders via his dream, he is able to lead his father (a police officer) to the killer, the one-line-spittin', big-ass-knife-totin' Horace Pinker (played admirably by Walter Skinner himself, Mitch Pillegi). Blah-blah-blah they end up catching Pinker and putting him in the electric chair (evidently the wheels of justice work extra swiftly in this California town). Anyway, unfortunately for everyone involved, Pinker is some sort of practicing warlock or wizard or something and he is able to use a television set to harness some sort of electrical power or some shit. Anyway, long story short, when they electrocute him, Pinker gains the ability to go from body to body (like we'd later see in Fallen - minus the Rolling Stones) and use them for his own purposes.

Anyway you can see where it goes from there. People that Jonathan loves get Pinkerfied, Ted Raimi gets killed (natch), and there's a scene where Jonathan chases Pinker through TV shows. Wait, what? Yeah. That happens. In some weird twist of logic, Wes Craven decided that the best way to end the movie was by having Jonathan and Pinker get in a chase through cable channels (for instance, Jonathan ends up running along side of the Clever family's car). From there it gets even dumber, but I won't ruin that for you. Oh, yeah, and there's some unresolved question on whether Pinker is Jonathan's real father or not. And Jonathan's girfriend comes back from the dead as a protective ghost.

So, as you can see, I'm pretty fuckin' torn about this one. It is so ludicrous that you can't help but have a smile on your face when Mitch Pillegi says stuff like, "Come on, boy, let's take a ride in my Volts Wagon". Wow. It's like if they took The Indestructible Man and mixed it with a one of the latter day Nightmare on Elm St. films that have Freddy trying to act like he's Buddy Hackett.

Anyway, if you haven't seen it, then I would actually recommend that you take a look at it and try to determine for yourself. At the very least, it's worth watching for the soundtrack. The Dudes of Wrath are: Paul Stanley and producer Desmond Child both on vocals, Def Leppard's Vivian Campbell and Guy Mann-Dude on guitars, Whitesnake's Rudy Sarzo on bass guitar, and Mötley Crüe's Tommy Lee on drums. Also backing vocals by Van Halen bassist Michael Anthony & Kane Roberts. Hellz yeah.

5/10

Films from the Crypt: Episode 6 - Society (1989)

Films from the Crypt: Episode Six - Society (1989)

Director: Brian Yuzna

View the trailer

Starring: Billy Warlock, Devin DeVasquez, Evan Richards

WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD

Every so often, when the planets align just right, I come upon a movie that makes me scratch my head and think to myself and wonder how in the hell could I have missed this one? Brian Yuzna's directorial debut, Society, is one such film.

First up, a little background. The film was completed in 1989, but not released in the States until 1992. The reception to the film in America was relatively poor, and it still has yet to achieve even a cult status that it richly deserves. It played a little better in Europe, but is still not seen on the same scale as other, lesser genre pictures.

In the tradition of Yuzna's earlier production work (Re-Animator, From Beyond), Society is an icky picture with fantastic special effects that really push the limits of taste (in a good way, of course). The film revolves around 17 year old Billy Whitney, a normal kid living in Beverly Hills where he begins to think that maybe everytthing is not right with the world. Strange things are happening, Billy starts to see things, like his sisters body in impossibly contorted positions, and becomes increasingly paranoid that his family are harboring some kind of secret and are possibly incestuous. Confirming Billy's fears, his sister's ex-boyfriend Blanchard tries to get him to face the reality of the situataion. It turns out the conspiracy of weirdness runs deeper than Billy thought. As a somewhat ham-fisted indictment of the societal ladder, Society hits and misses on a lot of levels.

Interestingly enough, somewhat defiantly of convention, Yuzna does not begin the film with an idealized world that begins to crumble as the film progresses. Instead he begins the film with a feverish, paranoid sequence where Billy is running through a shadowy house and clutchin a knife to his chest. From this set up, the audience becomes aware that Billy is living in a world of fear. There is a half-hearted attempt to fool the audience into thinking that Billy is crazy, but noone watching the film would fall for that trick.

No, Billy is not crazy. The "society" that he lives in really does have a seedy underbelly that is far worse than he imagined. By the end of the second act, we realize that something is wrong with the inhabitants of Billy's community, and have confirmed our suspicions that it may even be a physiological anamoly. But it isn't until the third act that the curtain is fully drawn back to showcase a perverse orgy of sexual deviancy, mixed with other-worldly transformations of people into strange alien-ish beings that are just as gooey as anything out of From Beyond and the devouring of human beings. The special effects are especially effective here, including an extremely large scale, and very convincing, bit of puppetry. Turns out the rich really do "feed off the poor" in this community, and of course I mean that literally. I shouldn't have to explain the implications that this literalization of a metaphor brings with it, as it's more than opaque to anyone that can think.

Certainly such material would have been handled better by a director with a better mind for satire. Someone who could deftly weave this disgustingly funny web with more ease would be able to make the film much more intersting. As it is, the humor is uneven and the scares are not really scary, so I'm really not sure how to explain why the film works for me so well. I'm a sucker for the "everyone is out to get me" genre, dating back from Hitchcock's "wrong men" films and even up to Disturbing Behavior and The Faculty (yep). Toss in some more deliquent, body horror aspects and some amazing grue and you've got yourself a hell of a film in my book. And, maybe that's all it is. As I've said, the message of the film is handled with the subtlety of a drunken elephant and none of the actors are going to be up for Oscars any time soon, but it just clicks with me. It's a perfect storm of that eighties goodness. I highly recommend it, especially if you liked any of the other films mentioned here.

7/10

Films from the Crypt: Episode 5 - Blood Diner

Films from the Crypt: Episode 5 - Blood Diner (1987)

Tagline: "First they greet you, then they eat you."

Director: Jackie Kong

View the FILM ONLINE

Starring: Carl Crew, Rick Burks

When someone asks you what the best horror remake is, what do you say? Usually it's going to be The Thing. Some might say Dawn of the Dead. The misguided might say Halloween. But there's one film that rarely, if ever, comes into the conversation, but most definitely should, and that's Blood Diner.

Blood Diner is the 1987 redux of the classic HG Lewis flick Blood Feast. To be fair, if there ever was a film to warrant the term "re-imagining", this is it. If you've seen the Lewis film, you know it can be a little tedious and kind of drag on a little bit. I don't mean to take anything away from Mr. Lewis and his importance to the genre, it's just sometimes difficult to watch. Blood Diner on the other hand is a film meant for viewers with ADD. Or that are on copious amounts of drugs.

The film is a pitch dark comedy featuring two brothers, Michael Tutman (Rick Burks) and George Tutman (Carl Crew) that take on the task of completing the resurrection the Lumerian goddess Sheetar, after their serial killer uncle Anwar Namtut (Drew Goddars) fails to do so (and is killed in the process).In order to ressurrect Sheetar,the two brothers must piece together different body parts from nefarious women, and invoke the goddess at a "blood buffet" with a virgin on hand for Sheetar to eat when she awakens. The brothers, all the while, are running the very popular Tutman Cafe, which serves health food that's "too good to be true". Hmm. Two goofball detectives are hard at work trying to track down the brothers the whole time.

I'll be honest with you, this is one of the most ludicrous films I've ever seen. Don't believe me? Watch this clip and find out for yourself. And that's only the half of it, other insane moments in the film include George's wresting match with "Jimmy Hitler" (pictured), a 400 pound health food critic that vomits on all of the patrons of the Tutman Cafe, an insane competitor to the cafe that talks to and through a life-sized dummy, and a topless cheerleader massacre. And if that's not enough reasons for you to watch this film, wait until you see the party scene in the final act. Pure gold.

I really don't want to spoil the film. Let me take that back, I don't want to spoil the great gags in the film, because you need to see this one relatively fresh. As it was, the first time I watched it I was completely unsure of what to expect. The film starts off innocently enough, two kids at home in the 1950s are interrupted by a bloody, meat clever wielding killer as the play in their homes. Turns out the man holding the clever is none other than the kids Uncle Amwar! Amwar goes off on a small rant about how he had to cut off his own dick and then makes the two kids promise they will finish his work for him. They agree, the cops show up, he goes out to greet them and...well, just watch it.

Finding this film on a home video format would be easier said than done, because the film has only officially been released on VHS. You can maybe find a bootleg DVD on Amazon or eBay every now and then, surely it's just a VHS transfer, but better than nothing. Of course, there's a link at the top of this post that will take you to the film in its entirety on Youtube, if you can stomach watching it in that format. Again, it's better than nothing. And this Blood Diner is a must watch.

It's difficult to find the words to accurately describe Blood Diner. I don't want to give the impression that there is unintentional comedy here, they knew what they were doing when they made this flick. Most of the camp in this film is definitely by design, except for maybe some of the worst acting - namely Detective Shepard. A lot of movies that "know" they are bad, and play that aspect up, end up really sucking (a lot of Full Moon pictures come to mind), but Blood Diner really works. It ain't Re-Animator, but it's a great unheralded gem just waiting to be discovered.

7/10

Films from the Crypt: Episode 4 - Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama (1988)

Films from the Crypt: Episode 4 - Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama (1988)

Tagline: "In a bowling alley from Hell, there's only one way to score..."

Director: David DeCoteau

View the TRAILER

Starring: Linnea Quigley, Andras Jones, Dukey Flyswatter

Those of us who are legitimate horror-files know that there are two types of bad movies in the genre world. The first is the type that you trudge through, begrudgingly, just so that once it's over you can chalk up one more to your resume. The second is the type that is bad with flair, what some would call "so bad it's good". And, I am a sucker for these kinds of movies. Movies with enough bravado, cache, or unintentional camp to keep me locked in even though they are terrible. These types of films are best watched in groups. Troll 2, The Car, The Last Slumber Party, and Cobra fall into this category, and so does our latest film from the crypt, Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama.

Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama is pretty much just what it sounds like. A harmless, low budget horror flick with a barely passable story, and some t & a.

The film starts off with three young collegiate men as they sit and their dorm room, drinking beer, looking at porno mags, and watching Creepozoids on the boob tube. As they toss around witty banter, one of the young men exclaims how he knows where a sorority is hosting their initiation tonight! This happens to be in their sorority house, good job gumshoe.

The guys go to the sorority house and watch as all of the three members of the sorority spank the two newbies to initiate them. Of course the pledges are dressed in nothing but t-shirts and panties. After spanking the girls for what seems like ten minutes, the sorority girls spray them with whipped cream! Crazy. Unfortunately, now the newbies are all icky with whipped cream and have to go take a shower upstairs. No strangers to danger, our young heroes travel up stairs, undaunted, to sneak a peak at the young co-eds in the buff. Babs, the evilish leader of the sorority catches them and, as punishment, makes the whole lot them (pledges included) sneak in to a bowling alley to steal a trophy.

There's a little bit more plot (very little) that I'm not going to divulge here, but what it boils down to is the gang runs in to a thief named Spider (the tasty Linnea Quigley) and unwittingly release an imp that looks more like a rejected muppet design, from his bowling tropy prison. Once the imp is free, all hell breaks loose, and the gang has to try and figure out how to escape from the clutches of the evil Uncle Impie (Dukey Flyswatter).

The dialogue really brings down the house. When the kids startle Spider as she's trying to break into a cash register, this is a bit of the conversation that ensues:

Spider: What is this, Midnight Wimp Bowling League?
Taffy: Who are you? The Bride of Dracula?
Spider: Oooo. Jump back. Prom queen on the loose. Or is it high school hookers?

What is it supposed to mean? I'm not really sure, but a lot of this movie is that way. There's an entire character, the janitor, whose whole job is just to make stupid remarks like "tighter than a nun's c**t" and then die. I really don't know why the character even made it on to the screen.

Clocking in at 80 minutes, Sorority Babes is what my roomate called "mercifully short", just as the movie begins to starts to wear on you a little bit, it ends. And I don't mind telling you that the ending is just as crappy as the beginning. And I also don't mind telling you if you are watching it alone, and just want to get through to see if Linnea Quigley ever shows some skin, don't bother because she doesn't. Go rent Return of the Living Dead for that. But, if you are looking to kill some time and have a couple of dudes coming over to the house with some beers, put down your copy of There Will Be Blood, and pickup your copy of Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama (and with a title like that, how could you resist?).

You can pick up the unimpressive DVD release for around $10 on Amazon.

4/10 (for the sheer fun of it)

Interesting Trivia: In Static-X's song "I'm With Stupid", Linnea Quigley's line from the movie "Yeah, it was...very stupid." is sampled.

Films from the Crypt: Episode 3 - Captain America (1990)

Films from the Crypt: Episode Three - Captain America (1990)

Director: Albert Pyun

View the trailer

Starring: Matt Salinger, Ronny Cox, Ned Beatty, Darren McGavin

WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD

Scheduled to be released in the Summer of 1990, to coincide with Marvel's 50th anniversary, Captain America eventually plumetted to American home video and cable in 1992. If you don't remember the movie, it's for good reason, because it is an entirely forgettable film. It's too bad too, because this one could've been okay. Early, on Ahnold, Dolph Lungdren, and Val Kilmer were up for the role of Cap and they were supposed to get a real budget to turn this thing into a Hollywood blockbuster. Instead, Jack Kirby is rolling over in his grave, giving screenwriter Stephen Tolkin the finger.

The film starts out promisingly enough with a group of Nazis that burst in to an Italian villa and start doling out pain via MP40s. They end up kidnapping wunderkind Tadzio de Santis, after wasting his entire family. After being subjected to Nazi experimentation, Tadzio eventually grows into that ugly menace, The Red Skull.

Cut to America where our hero, the young, gimpy Steve Rogers (Matt Salinger - JD's kid!), is gearing up to join a covert US operation that will eventually lead Steve to become the most jingoistic hero of all. He is accepted into the program, and is injected with the super soldier serum, recently imported from Germany. For some reason the governments "secret lab" is inside a diner, and it gets infiltrated by a Nazi spy that kills the only person who knows the formula for the serum, Dr. Maria Vaselli. Dun-dun-dun!

Eventually Cap makes his way to Germany, thwarts the Red Skull, and is sent to Alaska via rocket, where he ends up getting frozen in the ice. Fast-forward to modern day, and ol' Ice Cap is discovered and thawed. After he's unfrozen, he goes to find his long lost love, she gets gunned down by the Red Skull's goons, and decides he has to stop him once and for all!

First of all, let me just go ahead and say it; this movie sucks. It is an absolute train wreck of a film that suffers from bad direction, acting, action, sets, writing, and production value. It would be hard to find another film that had so much potential that ended up being such a waste. The fights are so badly choreographed, it gives old episodes of the Power Rangers some legitimacy and the cinematograper couldn't have been over the age of 12.

Now, let me tell you why you should watch it. Have you ever wanted to see Captain America putter around the streets of Italy in a really tiny car? Ever wonder what any of these new Marvel films would look like if they had a $72 budget? Want to see what JD Salinger's son looks like? You've found your movie. And those are really the best reasons that I could come up for anyone wanting to watch this travesty. Actually, you don't to see a particularly dastardly Darren McGavin, so it's not all bad.

Unfortunately, if you do want to punish yourself and actually watch this thing, it may be easier said that done. As far as I know, the only home video format that Captain America has been released on is VHS. You can probably find it on eBay or Amazon if you want, but I wouldn't pay more than a couple of bucks for it.

1.5/10
(only because I did always want to see Cap in a little car)

*note: pictured is the theatrical teaser poster for the film, it never came to fruition.

Films From the Crypt - Episode 2: The Car

Films From the Crypt - Episode 2 - The Car (1977)

Tagline: "There's nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, no way to stop... THE CAR"

Director: Elliot Silverstein

View the trailer

Starring: James Brolin, Kathleen Lloyd, John Marley


Warning: SPOILERS AHEAD

What can you say about a movie like The Car? Well, firstly I guess I want to say that I actually enjoyed this movie. It's 5.2 rating on the IMDb is fairly Indicative of how enjoyable this movie can be. I say that, because it really is a particularly bad movie. And when bad movies get mediocre ratings, that's saying something. The Car has so much charisma that no matter how shitty the acting, how ludicrous the plot, I can't help but watch it.

The Car begins with two youngsters riding their bikes down the road when a very devious looking pure steel, chop-topped black coupe (it's actually some sort of Frankenstein of a Lincoln Mark III and 5 other cars) comes barrelling down the road at the kids. We get a POV shot from inside this monstrosity, and we see that the windows are actually tinted bllllooooddd reeeeddd. Well, we know that we are off to a good start, because within the first ten minutes two kiddies are bidding their lives bye-bye. That's right, side-swiped and run off the road over a ledge.

Soon after, the car rears it's ugly hood again, this time running over (and repeatedly backing over) a young, hippie hitchhiker. Good call, car! So, things in the nearby sleepy little Southern California town start to get a little hairy. Policeman Wade Parent (James Brolin) and company begin a hunt for the car and its lunatic driver. Soon after, the town's police chief is struck and killed by the car, which ends up getting Wade the promotion to chief.

Of course, we all know that there is no lunatic driver and that the car is possessed(ala Christine, although The Car predates Christine). The demon car ends up taking aim at Wade, his children, and his lovely, Sarah Silverman-looking girlfriend. There some reference to Indian spirits or some such things, but that's never really that important to the story. The Car is not concerned with the "why" of it all, I mean, yeah, there's a timid attempt at it, but the movie is almost entirely concerned with the "how". And that's a good thing, because trying to come up with some plausible solution for this would really come off as stupid.

There are other interesting little side stories that lead nowhere and end up becoming red herring of sorts. One of the policeman is a recovering alcoholic, but starts hitting the hooch again once the shit hits the fan, and another one is a Native American that seems like he knows more than he's telling. But don't all Native Americans seem like they know more than you do? Yes.These side plots just kind of fizzle out and are of no real importance. I guess the writers thought about it, and decided had to make a decision: side story about cop struggling with personal demons or more screen time for the demonic Lincoln? Yeah. You would've made the same decision. There are truly a lot of things wrong with this movie, so I'll spare you from pointing out all the little problems and just focus on what's right about the film.

For my money, there are three scenes that make this movie worth seeing by their own merit. The first one is a scene where someone bites it when the car literally jumps through a house, the second is in the cemetery scene when some old hag just randomly shouts out "Cat Poop!" (really), and the last one is the ending which I won't give details on (just in case).

A very interesting, nutty, piece of campy Americana, The Car stands out as a fun film to watch (especially with a group of friends), even while being a pretty big mess of a movie. Definitely keep your eye out for the Universal Studios DVD release of the film that was released last year.

5.5/10

Interesting Trivia: According to a 1977 interview with James Brolin, the working title of the film was "Wheels".

- Jordan M.
Sulphur Springs, TX

Films From the Crypt - Episode 1: The Entity

Films From the Crypt - Episode 1 - The Entity (1981)

Tagline: "There is no escape from something you cannot see."

Director: Sidney J. Furie

View the trailer

Starring: Barbara Hershey, Ron Silver, Alex Rocco

Welcome to the newest addition to the 'choke, this is Films From the Crypt. In this section, we will be reviewing mostly older, relatively obscure movies that you may have let slip through the cracks. Some will be good, others, not so much. Some of the reviews may end up being on more recent fare, but in general I'm here to tackle some of those greats oldies. I'm looking forward to it.

For the first episode, I am reviewing the 1981 horror/thriller The Entity, starring the late Ron Silver and Barbara Hershey. Warning, here there will be minor spoilers.

The film begins mundanely enough, following single mother Carla Moran (the delectable Barbara Hershey) as she travels from work, to her adult education classes, and finally home to see her children. Once she has said goodnight to her little ones, Carla goes into her bedroom to relax when, all of a sudden, she is raped! By a ghost! That's right. Ghost-raped. Of course, I'm making light of the situation to hide the fact that I, too, was once ghost-raped.

In all seriousness, I give director Sidney J. Furie credit because he's able to play the scenario completely straight and actually do it well. In fact, you'd be hard pressed to find enough camp in this movie to be able to really make fun of it while watching it, which is some feat considering the subject matter. Just to be clear, The Entity is really an effective horror film.

The entire film revolves around Carla Moran and her being attacked again and again by an unseen, malign force. She is continously raped and beaten by this invisible entity, and she finally decides to seek professional help. After a particularly scary incident for her, when the ghost takes control of her car as she is driving, Carla decides to go to a clinic where she meets psychologist Phil Sneiderman (the excellent Ron Silver) who really takes an interest in Carla's case.

Through-out the course of the film, Carla remains fairly unsure about her own sanity, and we are privy to a handful of different sessions that she has with Dr. Sneiderman. Of course, Sneiderman is the requisite scientist/skeptic (that may or may not be trying to slime his way into Carla's pants himself) that does not believe Carla is being attacked by a ghost, but that it is all in her head, and he eventually even almost gets her to believe that. Unfortunately for Dr. Sneiderman's case, eventually there are witnesses to this ghostly madness, and Carla is finally able to deal with the reality of the situation.

Eventually, the local university's parapsychology department takes an interest in Carla, and this is where things get really strange. The department head, after a series of tests, decides to set up a trap to catch the entity. This trap is merely a reconstruction of Carla's home inside a gymnasium, with liquid hydrogen set to freeze it. Does it work? Well, I guess you'll have to watch and find out.

The Entity is truly a bizarre film. I don't know that a movie with an invisible antagonist, that continually and brutally rapes a woman would be made today. It's an extremely ambitious production, that may not always hit on all cylinders, but continues to be effective and creepy today. It's a completely bloodless horror movie that works, go figure. Supposedly, it's based on a true story (and not in that Texas Chainsaw Massacre way, but for real) about a woman who experienced events very closely resembling those in the film. The acting is nothing short of phenomenal, with the two leads really doing a great job, especially Hershey, having to interact with nothing but the air.

My biggest complaint is in the pacing. The film has an exceptionally long run time for this kind of picture (clocking in at 125 minutes) that seems to lag a little bit, especially in the second and third acts. As far as production is concerned, the limited amount of visual effects are done really well. Interestingly enough, the late Stan Winston handled the "special makeup effects". It really is an above average picture, that is truly strange and ready to be discovered by you, loyal reader. And, hey, it's a poltergeist movie that predates Poltergeist.

If you've missed The Enitity, unfortuanately you may have a hard time finding a copy as the Anchor Bay DVD is currently out of print. You can always find used copies on Amazon, but they can run anywhere from $25-$30. Hopefully we'll see a Blu Ray release in the future, but I'm not holding my breath. It's always these typs of entertaining little genre films that don't make the jump to the next generation of technology.


7/10

- Jordan M.
Sulphur Springs, TX