Monday, December 14, 2009
Films from the Crypt: Episode 10 - Elves (1989)
Films from the Crypt: Episode Ten - Elves (1989)
Director: Jeffery Mandel
Tagline: "They Don't Work for Santa Anymore!"
View a CLIP
Starring: Dan Haggerty
WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD
Tis the season, so let's take a look at a holiday-oriented horror flick. Elves is pretty much a clusterfuck from the very beginning. The plot is a mess that's really hard to decipher, but I'll try.
Our young heroine Kristin and her friends hold a ceremony in the woods (using her grandfather's ancient book!) and unwittingly awaken a long dormant elf from his slumber. Of course, the elf isn't one of Santa's helpers, but instead it's some kind of retarded, pint-sized troglodyte bent on killin'!
From there, the elf (yes, there's just one in the whole picture - even though the damn title is ELVES) begins his shitty bloodbath beginning with a department store Santa. Somewhere after that we become privy to the exceptionally ludicrous plot that has something to do with Nazis creating the elf in order to breed with a pure virgin in order to kick start the Aryan nation. There's also an odd revelation when we realize that Kristin's grandfather is also her father! I swear to God.
And, we can't forget about the chain-smoking, tough-as-nails, do-gooder Mike (played by mountain man, Dan Haggerty). He takes over as the mall Santa after the original one is mauled by the elf. When Kristin and her friends decide to sleep over at the local mall, and some old Nazis and the elf show up, Mike jumps at the opportunity to be her knight in woolly armor.
Anyway, from there it gets sillier and sillier until finally it ends in true shitty movie, anticlimactic fashion. There's more that could be said about the plot, convoluted mess that it is, but I'm going to keep this one short. The bottom line is that you need to get your hands on a copy of this flick this Christmas season. A word to the wise, however, you may want to have some punched-up egg nog around while you do.