"I guess one thing is certain. Things do change. Time in an inconsistent consistency that I carry as an unbearable load on my shoulders. How does one plan for certain uncertainty? How does one change what will change itself? My mind cannot reason the need for myself in "ministry", or reason the need for life at all. As I look at the past 23 years of mistakes and accomplishments could they have not been switched and could I have not severely failed at what I accomplished and and accomplish what I failed and still be the same person who I am? Can you change who you are with the things you have and have not done? I think not. Self cannot be defined merely by what you do or don't, but who you are truly are as a whole. My misses or my hits, they are indifferent now to the character which was given to me at birth. Indifference. Such a wonderful word to describe what one does not become but one understands then accepts. I am indifferent to that which has become indifferent to me. Life." Sept 3, 2005
"What is it about a cool cafe that makes me feel smart? As if the book and cup of coffee or tea gives out that aura of satisfaction that I do not possess anywhere else. Perhaps I look like an intellectual poser hoping to have a deep conversation with another poser about god, or man's purpose, or another topic related to and held by the intellectuals only. "Look at me and my copy of 'Confessions'. I am deep and sophisticated and incredibly well read." I don't even own a copy of 'Confessions', but rather I remove the dust cover of my Purpose Driven Life book to seem more "real". What a joke! What an incredible joke image makes of us. Let me suck in my stomach and keep my eyes slightly shut to resemble in deep thought. What an attraction I must be for someone who can read minds. I would follow myself around gasping for air and clutching my sides for the deep bellowing laughter I would cause. I wish I knew the thoughts of everyone. What a wonderful event is probably taking place inside the minds of those around me now.
Someone just walked in and I sucked in my gut. It is completely involuntary reaction now. I wonder if I was to awake tomorrow with abs and a chiseled torso if I would innately suck in my belly without thought. Probably."- Nov 18, 2004
1 comment:
you seem like you were a bit confused back then, eh? maybe we all were (are).
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