Films From the Crypt - Episode 2: The Car

Films From the Crypt - Episode 2 - The Car (1977)

Tagline: "There's nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, no way to stop... THE CAR"

Director: Elliot Silverstein

View the trailer

Starring: James Brolin, Kathleen Lloyd, John Marley


Warning: SPOILERS AHEAD

What can you say about a movie like The Car? Well, firstly I guess I want to say that I actually enjoyed this movie. It's 5.2 rating on the IMDb is fairly Indicative of how enjoyable this movie can be. I say that, because it really is a particularly bad movie. And when bad movies get mediocre ratings, that's saying something. The Car has so much charisma that no matter how shitty the acting, how ludicrous the plot, I can't help but watch it.

The Car begins with two youngsters riding their bikes down the road when a very devious looking pure steel, chop-topped black coupe (it's actually some sort of Frankenstein of a Lincoln Mark III and 5 other cars) comes barrelling down the road at the kids. We get a POV shot from inside this monstrosity, and we see that the windows are actually tinted bllllooooddd reeeeddd. Well, we know that we are off to a good start, because within the first ten minutes two kiddies are bidding their lives bye-bye. That's right, side-swiped and run off the road over a ledge.

Soon after, the car rears it's ugly hood again, this time running over (and repeatedly backing over) a young, hippie hitchhiker. Good call, car! So, things in the nearby sleepy little Southern California town start to get a little hairy. Policeman Wade Parent (James Brolin) and company begin a hunt for the car and its lunatic driver. Soon after, the town's police chief is struck and killed by the car, which ends up getting Wade the promotion to chief.

Of course, we all know that there is no lunatic driver and that the car is possessed(ala Christine, although The Car predates Christine). The demon car ends up taking aim at Wade, his children, and his lovely, Sarah Silverman-looking girlfriend. There some reference to Indian spirits or some such things, but that's never really that important to the story. The Car is not concerned with the "why" of it all, I mean, yeah, there's a timid attempt at it, but the movie is almost entirely concerned with the "how". And that's a good thing, because trying to come up with some plausible solution for this would really come off as stupid.

There are other interesting little side stories that lead nowhere and end up becoming red herring of sorts. One of the policeman is a recovering alcoholic, but starts hitting the hooch again once the shit hits the fan, and another one is a Native American that seems like he knows more than he's telling. But don't all Native Americans seem like they know more than you do? Yes.These side plots just kind of fizzle out and are of no real importance. I guess the writers thought about it, and decided had to make a decision: side story about cop struggling with personal demons or more screen time for the demonic Lincoln? Yeah. You would've made the same decision. There are truly a lot of things wrong with this movie, so I'll spare you from pointing out all the little problems and just focus on what's right about the film.

For my money, there are three scenes that make this movie worth seeing by their own merit. The first one is a scene where someone bites it when the car literally jumps through a house, the second is in the cemetery scene when some old hag just randomly shouts out "Cat Poop!" (really), and the last one is the ending which I won't give details on (just in case).

A very interesting, nutty, piece of campy Americana, The Car stands out as a fun film to watch (especially with a group of friends), even while being a pretty big mess of a movie. Definitely keep your eye out for the Universal Studios DVD release of the film that was released last year.

5.5/10

Interesting Trivia: According to a 1977 interview with James Brolin, the working title of the film was "Wheels".

- Jordan M.
Sulphur Springs, TX

Films From the Crypt - Episode 1: The Entity

Films From the Crypt - Episode 1 - The Entity (1981)

Tagline: "There is no escape from something you cannot see."

Director: Sidney J. Furie

View the trailer

Starring: Barbara Hershey, Ron Silver, Alex Rocco

Welcome to the newest addition to the 'choke, this is Films From the Crypt. In this section, we will be reviewing mostly older, relatively obscure movies that you may have let slip through the cracks. Some will be good, others, not so much. Some of the reviews may end up being on more recent fare, but in general I'm here to tackle some of those greats oldies. I'm looking forward to it.

For the first episode, I am reviewing the 1981 horror/thriller The Entity, starring the late Ron Silver and Barbara Hershey. Warning, here there will be minor spoilers.

The film begins mundanely enough, following single mother Carla Moran (the delectable Barbara Hershey) as she travels from work, to her adult education classes, and finally home to see her children. Once she has said goodnight to her little ones, Carla goes into her bedroom to relax when, all of a sudden, she is raped! By a ghost! That's right. Ghost-raped. Of course, I'm making light of the situation to hide the fact that I, too, was once ghost-raped.

In all seriousness, I give director Sidney J. Furie credit because he's able to play the scenario completely straight and actually do it well. In fact, you'd be hard pressed to find enough camp in this movie to be able to really make fun of it while watching it, which is some feat considering the subject matter. Just to be clear, The Entity is really an effective horror film.

The entire film revolves around Carla Moran and her being attacked again and again by an unseen, malign force. She is continously raped and beaten by this invisible entity, and she finally decides to seek professional help. After a particularly scary incident for her, when the ghost takes control of her car as she is driving, Carla decides to go to a clinic where she meets psychologist Phil Sneiderman (the excellent Ron Silver) who really takes an interest in Carla's case.

Through-out the course of the film, Carla remains fairly unsure about her own sanity, and we are privy to a handful of different sessions that she has with Dr. Sneiderman. Of course, Sneiderman is the requisite scientist/skeptic (that may or may not be trying to slime his way into Carla's pants himself) that does not believe Carla is being attacked by a ghost, but that it is all in her head, and he eventually even almost gets her to believe that. Unfortunately for Dr. Sneiderman's case, eventually there are witnesses to this ghostly madness, and Carla is finally able to deal with the reality of the situation.

Eventually, the local university's parapsychology department takes an interest in Carla, and this is where things get really strange. The department head, after a series of tests, decides to set up a trap to catch the entity. This trap is merely a reconstruction of Carla's home inside a gymnasium, with liquid hydrogen set to freeze it. Does it work? Well, I guess you'll have to watch and find out.

The Entity is truly a bizarre film. I don't know that a movie with an invisible antagonist, that continually and brutally rapes a woman would be made today. It's an extremely ambitious production, that may not always hit on all cylinders, but continues to be effective and creepy today. It's a completely bloodless horror movie that works, go figure. Supposedly, it's based on a true story (and not in that Texas Chainsaw Massacre way, but for real) about a woman who experienced events very closely resembling those in the film. The acting is nothing short of phenomenal, with the two leads really doing a great job, especially Hershey, having to interact with nothing but the air.

My biggest complaint is in the pacing. The film has an exceptionally long run time for this kind of picture (clocking in at 125 minutes) that seems to lag a little bit, especially in the second and third acts. As far as production is concerned, the limited amount of visual effects are done really well. Interestingly enough, the late Stan Winston handled the "special makeup effects". It really is an above average picture, that is truly strange and ready to be discovered by you, loyal reader. And, hey, it's a poltergeist movie that predates Poltergeist.

If you've missed The Enitity, unfortuanately you may have a hard time finding a copy as the Anchor Bay DVD is currently out of print. You can always find used copies on Amazon, but they can run anywhere from $25-$30. Hopefully we'll see a Blu Ray release in the future, but I'm not holding my breath. It's always these typs of entertaining little genre films that don't make the jump to the next generation of technology.


7/10

- Jordan M.
Sulphur Springs, TX

Clip of the Week

Trailer Edition

Every so often, there are enough trailers to take up a handful of Clip of the Weeks. At that juncture, I like to toss them all into one "Trailer Edition" of CotW. And, as you might've guessed, it's that time. We'll probably have a couple more of these in the near future (once we get trailers for films like A Serious Man and Forgiveness come out).

Best Worst Movie is premiering at South By Southwest soon and Mystery Team is actually scheduled to play at Sundance this year. Excellent.

Best Worst Movie


Mystery Team


Public Enemies



- Jordan M.
Sulphur Springs, TX

Top 20 List of the Week

Top 20 Films of 2008

20. Henry Poole Is Here - Not necessarily a wonderful picture, Henry Poole is Here is simply a quiet, small character piece that makes you feel pretty good while watching it. While the movie tries to be probing, you probably won't be sitting around with your buddies talking about this one in a couple of years, but it's a nice fit at number twenty on the list.

19. Cloverfield - A descent, big-little creature feature done with all that shaky cam and what not, but very well, to create a sense of dread. Could have been a lot better (especially if the monster had been Cthuhulu!), but Goddard and Abrams banged out a pretty good little story that kept you wondering...

18. Be Kind Rewind - This quirky little movie almost slipped under the radar, but I didn't forget it. Be Kind Rewind is a feel good movie about a couple of knuckleheads that have to reenact all of their favorite movies. Be prepared for childlike silliness, and goofy goodheartedness

17. Leatherheads - One of the handful of really good romantic comedies to come out in 2008, Leatherheads is directed by the King of Hollywood, George Clooney. Comparing it to O Brother, Where Art Thou? isn't apt, because it's nowhere near that good, but Clooney's character is reminiscent of Everett in that film, which makes it worth a watch.

16. Transsiberian - A taut, Hitchockian thriller from Brad Anderson, Transsiberian really dishes out the suspense. No, it's not Rear Window, but it is a nice bit of film-making from a guy who has really been quietly making a name for himself. Worth a rental, at least.

15. Choke - Based on the third novel from Chuck Palhaniuk, Choke is actually kind of a touching movie. Well, it's also a kind of disgusting movie, but in a touching way. The only complaint I really have is that the film never reaches the level of perversion and indecency that the novel does. I guess that's asking a lot of from a theatrically released film, but it would have given it more bite. As it is, Choke is a quirky, funny rental.


14. Zack and Miri Make a Porn - We all know that Kevin Smith's credibility as a geniunely funny film-maker has begun to wane. To be honest, once you get passed Chasing Amy (which I think is incredible), I could care less. But, here comes Zach and Miri out to make you laugh. And they succeed. Sure, the third act is about as cliche and corny as it gets, but dammit, I enjoyed watching it.

13. Forgetting Sarah Marshall - Another of the truly good romcoms to come out this year, this Jason Segal penned flick hits it on the head. From the awkward first ten minutes, to the Muppet-Dracula finale, you'll be laughing.

12. In Bruges - Two hitmen are on the lam in this Brit/American crime-dramedy. Anchored by a surprisingly strong performance by Colin Farrell, In Bruges is a wonderful little surprise of a movie that I suggest you pick up.

11. RocknRolla - Guy Ritchie is back. And, yes, he is pretty much making the same movie that turned him into the British Tarantino (is that apt, meh), but it works. This taut little bugger keeps you laughing and holding your breath throughout.

10. Redbelt - David Mamet does martial arts? Sign me up. This is actually a really good picture that didn't get much love, and it has Tim Allen with a nice turn as a scumbag leading man.

9. Revolutionary Road - The latest from Sam Mendes (American Beauty) stars wifey Kate Winslett and ultimate leading man Leonardo DiCaprio. It's a delicate picture about a suburbanite couple trying to come to grips with who they are and the tangled web they have woven. Pretty strong stuff.

8. Iron Man - What can I say, they did it right. Downey turns in a great performance (although I still think of Clooney when I think of Tony Stark) and Favreau did a nice job with the source material. This could be a very wonderful, and lucrative, franchise on Marvel's hands.

7. Burn After Reading - Full disclosure, I love the Coen brothers. That said, this ain't the best of the Coens, but it ain't the worst either. It's a fun "wrong man" story that keeps the laughs coming.

6. Pineapple Express - From the Apatow/Rogen team we get another home run. A hilarious stoner/action movie, directed by an arthouse darling? Pretty weird idea. But it works on all levels, far and away being the best comedy of the year.

5. Slumdog Millionaire - A triumph of what must have been a very difficult shoot, Slumdog Millionaire is probably my second favorite Danny Boyle movie. In case you hadn't heard of it, it's a small story in a very big picture, about a young man who wins the Indian version of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire and is then accused of cheating.

4. WALL-E - Definitely Pixar's best since Toy Story, it may be heavy-handed, but WALL-E tickles me in just the right spots. If a bunch of animators can make me feel like a kid again while I'm in the movie theater, they are doing something right.

3. The Dark Knight - Who woulda thunk a comic book movie could be so well made? Lightyears ahead of the previous film, this story-driven drama serves up enough octane to fool you into thinking you just watched an action movie. Sure, the action is there, but that ain't what the movie is about. And that, my friends, is what is so right about this picture.

2. Let The Right One In - Probably the single best vampire movie I've ever seen, LTROI is a wonderful little Swedish masterpiece that is hard to place in the "horror" genre. Sure, it's got a cute little vampire girl(?) in it, but do we automatically throw it in to the horror genre for that reason? Why not. And, if so, welcome to being the best horror movie of the year.

1. The Wrestler - A tour de force performance from Mickey Rourke (as he basically plays himself - substituting wrestling for acting), The Wrestler is the most solid movie I was able to see from 2008. Aronofsky direction is a touching bit of subtle film-making that I've yet to see in his previous work. While it doesn't measure up to my favorite film of last year, No Country, The Wrestler is a wonderful film. Look out Best Actor Oscar, here comes Mickey effing Rourke.

- Jordan M.

Sulphur Springs, TX

Top Ten List of the Week

Top Ten Horror Posters

This is going to be a tough list because of how much wonderful poster art has been done for horror films, usually because the movies are so bad, they have to make kickass posters to get your two bucks. To make a definitive list might be impossible, because of the sheer volume, but I am going to try. These are theatrical posters, no box art.

CLICK FOR LARGER PICTURES

1. Texas Chainsaw Massacre





















2. Maniac

























3. Frankenstein
























4. Halloween II
























5. Jaws
























6. Tarantula




















7. Pirhana
























8. Bees
























9. Scream and Scream Again
























10. Fright Night





















On an unrelated note, I do want to say farewell to Greg "Mad Dog" Maddux, who is retiring. Congrats on one heck of a career. Maddux is gets your humble author's vote for best pitcher of the last twenty years.



- Jordan M.
Sulphur Springs, TX

Top Ten List of the Week

Top Ten Horror Movie Deaths



10. Debbie Turned into Cockroach (A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master) - Freddy has long been known for his creative kills, and this one in ANOES 4, may be the single weirdest. You see Debbie is deathly afraid of cockroaches. Early on the film, we see her squash one of the cute little buggers with extreme prejudice. When it's her time to die, we see Freddy actually turn her into what she hates the most, and squash her like the bug she is.

YOUTUBE LINK!

9. Raft Massacre (The Burning) - The Burning is one of the few slashers that you can actually call under appreciated. In this, the best scene, our dear old Cropsy decides to really stick it to a whole canoe full of kids! With effects by Tom Savini (Dawn of the Dead) you know it's good.

YOUTUBE LINK!

8. Jesus Wept (Hellraiser) - In this scene, Frank Cotton (Sean Chapman) bites it by getting ripped apart by demonic chains that conform to the will of Pinhead and the cenobites! This is just the type of crazy sadism you'd expect from Clive Barker.

YOUTUBE LINK!

7. Giovanni Lombardo Radice Gets a Headache (City of the Living Dead) - In this graphic scene, Giovanni Lombardo Radice's (House on the Edge of the Park) Bob bites it with the classic drill to the head from an angry daddy. Ouch.

YOUTUBE LINK!

6. And Washed the Cook Down the Drain (The Blob - 1988) - In the most memorable scene from The Blob remake, we are treated to a cook getting sucked down the sink, like so much garbage in a garbage disposal. It's a pretty creative scene, and worthy of this list.

YOUTUBE LINK!

5. Tina on the Ceiling (A Nightmare on Elm Street) - Yes, Freddy rears his ugly head once more on this list, this time from the original film. This time, an unseen Freddy rips her to shreds and drags her up the walls and onto the ceiling before spilling all of her blood onto the bed!

YOUTUBE LINK! (you can skip to about 2:16)

4. Clear! (The Thing) - In one of the best scenes in an awesome movie, we find an emergency procedure go awry! Watch out for that chest cavity, it's got bite!

YOUTUBE LINK!

3. Gut Vomit (City of the Living Dead) - I would definitely consider this one of the best "kills" ever filmed. In this scene, we get to watch as one of our heroines is telepathically signalled to VOMIT UP HER OWN GUTS.

YOUTUBE LINK!

2. Sleep Through This, Judy! (Friday the 13th 7: The New Blood)- In what's probably the most infamous kill in the series, we find our young Judy chilling in a sleeping bag, waiting on her boyfriend to get back. But all is not well. Jason has killin' on the brain, natch. Of course, Jason picks Judy up whilst still in the sleeping back and decides to swing her, baseball bat style, into a nice big tree. What a kill!

FUN TRIVIA: All existing home video versions of this film, including the box set released by Paramount Home Video have the infamous "sleeping bag death" cut to one hit, whereas the original theater-shown version had the uncut, six-hit sleeping bag death scene, with blood all over the sleeping bag, intact.

YOUTUBE LINK!

1. Choke On 'Em! (Day of the Dead) - In this gruesome scene, the hated Captain Rhodes (Joesph Pilato) literally gets ripped in half by a horde of hungry undead, thanks, in part, to everyone's favorite zombie, Bub. The grue is terrifically done by Tom Savini, and everyone lives to hate Rhodes. All of it adds up for the greatest horror death scene ever.

YOUTUBE LINK!


- Jordan Monster
Sulphur Springs, TX

Top Five List of the Week

Top Five Horror Remakes

It's true. Today, the horror remake is usually just an excuse to rehash old ideas (with a built in fan base) with new teenagers in the lead roles for studios to grab a quick buck. And they usually suck. Hard. But, let us not forget that there have been some true gems. And, even one or two cases where the remake suprpasses the original *gasp*!

5. Night of the Living Dead (1990) - Effects guru Tom Savini remakes his old friend George's seminal masterpiece. Sounds like it would be a really cool undertaking, and, for the most part, it is. Gone are the socio-political underpinnings of the original, replaced with tons of grue (in color!). No, it's not anyway near what the original was, but it still manages to be a fun picture to watch.

4. Dawn of the Dead (2004) - Dawn of the Dead (1978) is one of my favorite films, so it is no small feat for Zack Snyder to have made a remake that I would actually put on this list. While paling in comparisson to the orignal, Snyder's take manages to be quite different and still pretty scary. I recommend watching it, but don't expect it to live up to Romero.

3. The Blob (1988) - Released 30 years after the original, The Blob manages to be a lot of fun. Chuck Russell doesn't skimp on the gore, and the sheer b-movieosity of it all keeps you glued to the screen. You can't beat a classic, but this remake manages to actually be more entertaining than the Steve McQueen driven orginal.

2. The Fly (1986) - David Cronenberg's version actually suprass the 1958 Vincent Price film. Of course, the grue is amazing, but he also gets a solid performance out of Jeff Goldblum, no easy task!

1. The Thing (1982) - John Carpenter's absolute masterpiece of cold fear and paranoia tops off the list as the single best horror remake of all time. Taking Howard Hawks' The Thing from Another World, and making it completely his own, Carpenter's movie bombed at the box office, but it is still one of the best films of the eighties. I rank it right under Raging Bull.

Top Ten List of the Week

Top Ten Horror Films of the 2000's

This week's top ten list chronicles the best horror movies of the 21st century, so enjoy.

10. 28 Days Later (2002) - While I still don't defend 28 Days Later as a zombie movie, I don't have any problem deeming it the tenth best horror flick of the last eight years. Boyle's direction is superb and the acting is downright great. The only major flaw is that the story is complete retread pap.

9. Cabin Fever (2002) - Screw you, this movie is good. Cabin Fever is an infectiously original horror tale set in a *gasp* a cabin in the woods. The whole story revolves around a disease that eventually starts taking over the residents of said cabin. It's nowhere near the first viral horror film, but it stays fresh, becoming almost a slasher movie with no slasher, merely a disgusting, skineating disease!

8. Jisatsu Saakuru (Suicide Club) (2002) - Surprisingly the only Japaneses film to make my list, Suicide Club is a crazily surreal mystery story filled with bloodsoaked carnage. You remember that scene in Hostel where the chick jumps in front of a train? Totally cribbed from Suicide Club. Anyway, just watch it.

7. Session 9 (2001) - A generally undiscovered gem, Brad Anderson's (Happy Accidents, Transsiberian) Session 9 is a thrilling ghost-mystery film, putting a new film on the haunted building (in this case, a mental institution) formula. Overall, the chills here are more psychological and keep you on the edge of your seat.

6. Slither (2006) - From the mind of former Tromaville resident James Gunn comes a wickedly funny B-movie in the tradition of Night of the Creeps. Slither stars Henry himself, Michael Rooker, as Grant Grant, the guy that eventually becomes the host for some strange alien creature that really likes to eat. Check it out, some great laughs!

5. Grindhouse (Deathproof/Planet Terror) (2007) - Yeah, we are putting both films together. Tarantino and Rodriguez came together with a very solid one-two punch with Grindhouse. Of course, the entire thing is homage (that is the whole concept behind it). Luckily, this homage is crafted by two expert film-makers!

4. Haute Tension (High Tension) (2003) - The French are really starting to make a name for themselves in the horror community with stuff like Inside and Frontiere(s), but it seems like it can all be traced back to Alexander Aja and his crimson-soaked (almost) masterpiece Haute Tension. I'll be the first to admit it, I don't like the ending either. I found it just as trtie as you did. But the rest of the film, my goodness, keeps the red stuff coming. And Jordan likey.

3. Shaun of the Dead (2004) - Hilarious. Absolutely hilarious. Another film that is conceptually an homage (in case you are extremely uninformed, the name is a riff on Dawn of the Dead), and is gut-bustingly funny in execution. Shaun of the Dead keeps the gore at a hard R, but still manages to be bitingly funny (much funnier than anything Peter Jackson did, I must say).

2. American Psycho (2000) - You say what you will, but American Psycho is a straight up exploitation film in the mold of all my favorites. Forget the ambiguity of the ending, and focus on the whacked out, twistedness of the film. I'm not suggested Patrcik Bateman is a role model, but you could do worse.

1. Bubba Ho-Tep (2002) - Don Coscarelli makes weird movies (almost exclusively Phantasms and Beastmasters), and Bubba Ho-Tep is no exception. This hilarious B-movie pits Bruce "Don't Call Me Ash" Campbell's old-ass Elvis Presley and Ossie Davis' JFK (yep) against an ancient mummy in a showdown at a retirement home. Yeah, that's the plot. As ridiculous as that sounds, the laughs keep rolling, especially thanks to Campbell and Davis' great turns as the deceased historical figures. Great campy fun.

EDIT 10/17: I am not going to re-edit this whole list, but watching the 2007 Spanish horror film [Rec] really makes me want to. It is phenomenal and would probably bump down Grindhouse. Watch it!


- Bride of Jordanstein
Sulphur Springs, TX

Top 35 List of the Week

Top 35 Horror Movies of the Eighties


35. The Dead Pit
34. Cannibal Apocalypse
33. Night of the Demons
32. House
31. Poltergeist
30. Demons
29. Texas Chainsaw Massacre II
28. Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II
27. Sleepaway Camp
26. Fright Night
25. The Prowler
24. Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer
23. The Monster Squad
22. The Lost Boys
21. Return of the Living Dead
20. Creepshow
19. Prince of Darkness
18. The Burning
17. The Hitcher
16. City of the Living Dead
15. The Slumber Party Massacre
14. Near Dark
13. Night of the Creeps
12. Halloween II
11. An American Werewolf in London
10. From Beyond
9. Evil Dead
8. Friday the 13th Part II
7. Day of the Dead
6. The Beyond
5. A Nightmare on Elm St
4. The Shining
3. Re-Animator
2. Evil Dead II
1. The Thing

- Jordan M.
Sulphur Springs, TX

Top Ten List of the Week

Top Ten "Comic Book" Movies

Ah, comic books and movies. Two things I love. But, sadly, the marriage between the two usually results in a dismal failure. But, today we are counting down the top ten best movies based on comics. This doesn't necessarily mean the best (as in, most accurate) adaptation, but the pictures that had comic books as source material that turned out the best:

10. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

9. Sin City

8. The Crow

7. Spider-Man

6. Superman: The Movie

5. Road to Perdition

4. X2: X-Men United

3. Ghost World

2. A History of Violence

1. Batman

- Jordan M.
Commerce, TX

Top Ten List of the Week

Top Ten Slasher Films

Well, it is October. A month of frights and chills and witches and crap (and amazing baseball). As such, our top ten list this week is going to reflect that. It is difficult to determine what actually makes a slasher a slasher, but I went with my (blood and) guts on it. So, here I give you, dreadful readers, the top ten slasher movies of all time:


10. Sleepaway Camp (1983) - Let's just say this one may have the...oddest...ending of the lot (think The Crying Game, if you must) and is really just a rehash of all the old tropes found in the Friday the 13th series, and, really, any other of the countless generic slasher films of the eighties. If you ask me, though, this one is fun enough to make the cut.

9. The Prowler (1981) - Featuring the effects of Tom Savini, The Prowler is an oft unheralded little gem. Features some pretty great grue, but the story is pretty trite (what do you expect?).

8. The Slumber Party Massacre (1982) - The sequels may have been played for laughs, but the original is pretty straight. Now, there's a really interesting story behind that, as the original script was written by well known feminist Rita Mae Brown as a parody on the slasher genre. She wasn't involved in the rewrites, and it basically became the very thing she'd been trying to parody! Watch the trailer.

7. Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981) - The first F13 to predominantly feature Jason, this is the one that I prefer from the series. While it wasn't innovative, it really did set the stage for the big-bang of slasher films in the eighties.

6. Bay of Blood (1971)- Considered by many to be the "first" slasher, the Italian master Mario Bava brings us the story of a bunch of money hungry people killing each other off in order to gain access to an inheritance.

5. Hellraiser (1987)- This one I had trouble really pegging as a "slasher", but ended up including it on the basis that if you disregard the sacrilege, it really is a story, not unlike the F13 movies, of surviving against a seemingly unstoppable foe. Plus there's all of that S&M stuff in there for you freaks.

4. A Nightmare on Elm St. (1984) - From the man that helped launch the rebirth of the revenge film, we get a decidedly different type of slasher. Of course, the big twist in ANoES is that the antagonist can only get you in your dreams. And, let's be honest, before and after they played him for laughs Freddy was just cool as hell. Does anyone else remember the DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince song "Nightmare on My Street"? It was awesome.

3. Psycho (1960) - This is another one of those that often claims the mantle of first slasher. I don't really have to explain the plot I'm sure, as it is one of Hitch's best known works. I do, however, have to state that I was torn at the inclusion of this one as well. Don't get me wrong, it's a fantastic movie, but is it a slasher? I came to the conclusion that it is. What do you think?

2. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) - This is another that's hard to pigeon-hole into the slasher category, but it ostensibly fits the trope. A brilliant film on all counts, and certainly Hooper's masterpiece, TCM is an outright scary picture. Amazingly, the film features very little blood, but people always swear that it's one of the goriest films they've ever seen.

1. Halloween (1978) - Forget that atrocious remake, this is the real get-your-frills-deal. This is John Carpenter's master work, and my personal favorite horror film of all time (heck, it's one of my favorite films of all time!). And even though it's not the first, it is definitely the one that got the ball rolling on the entire slasher genre.

I do have to (regretfully) add that I have yet to see The Burning. So, it's obviously not on the list.

- Jordanstein M. for Murder
Commercelvania, TX

Top Ten List of the Week

Top Ten Aliens

10. MAC (Mac and Me) - MAC stands for Mysterious Alien Creature. It's similar to how E.T. stands for Extra-Terrestrial. Wait a second, this whole thing stinks of E.T.! I've been had! Oh well. Go check out Mac and Me. And how could you forget the wheelchair scene?

9. The Arbiter (Halo 2 and 3) - Voiced by none other than Keith David (They Live), the Arbiter adds a very interesting twist to the Halo saga. He's a Covenant Elite that has turned Benedict Arnold on his species. He becomes so integral to the story in part 2, that you have to play through some of the final levels as the Arbiter himself.

8. The Blob (The Blob) - The Blob is the gelatinous creature from the film of the same name. It was a faceless, featureless creature that did nothing but devour. Surely there is a metaphor in there somewhere, but I'm not willing to look for it.

7. The Visitors (V) - The creatures from the mini-series (and subsequent TV series) V were lizard-like beings that masked themselves to look like normal human beings (devious lizards!). The whole thing was a thinly-veiled "re-imagining" of the rise of the Nazis. And, if there's one thing that spells quality TV, it's re-imagining the rise of the Nazis.

6. The Mutant (This Island Earth) - MST3K aside, This Island Earth is a pretty decent little Sci-Fi picture. I can only imagine how shocking this mutant beast of Metaluna must've looked in 1955. Well, now that I think about it, it probably still looked like a dude in a foam suit.

5. Rancor Monster (Return of the Jedi) - This is the beast that lived under Jabba's palace. He was a big, mean bastard. From what I've read in the Star Wars Dictionary, it was also the last of its kind (maybe that's why the bald dude with the man-tits cries when he dies).

4. Xenomorphs (Alien series) - Xenomorphs are the titular aliens from Alien, Aliens, Alien 3, and Alien: Ressurection (yes, I'm aware they have appeared in another film, but we won't concern ourselves with that one). These things bleed acid and want to kill you. Developed by HR Giger, these Aliens have to be the absolute scariest ever put to celluloid. But, don't worry. They mostly come out at night. Mostly.

3. The Thing (The Thing) - I don't even know what this alien looks like, but I know it's kickass. The Thing (from the Carpenter remake of The Thing From Another World) is a parasitic creature that takes over its host and seems to be able to multiply at an alarming rate. If you've never seen The Thing, you are missing out on one of the top ten movies of the eighties. But, if you don't want to watch the real one (too squeamish?), check out the Lego version.

2. Superman (any incarnation) - Yeah. You might've forgot, but Superman is a gall-derned alien.

1. The Predator (Predator series) - Apparently Predators have been around for a long time (from evidence in Predator 2, Glover's finest work) and are just gonna keep coming back. But, what about that sweet ending when Dutch actually has to go one on one with the predator?

- Jordan M.
Commerce, TX

Top Ten List of the Week

Top Ten Robots Ever

Everyone loves robots! Be they the type that are made to serve you, or the type made to eviscerate you, robots are cool. And they've been staples in fiction for years and years now. So, here are my top ten robots...ever:

10. Johnny 5 - You remember this little bastard from Short Circuit 1 and 2. I haven't seen the movies in years, but them when I was a kid. I'm sure they still hold up (um-hm).

9. Robby the Robot - Robby is the robot that belongs to Mobius in the seminal sci-fi film Forbidden Planet. He was also used in a number of other films and TV shows through-out the 1950's and 1960's. He's probably the coolest looking robot ever.

8. The Iron Giant - The Iron Giant is the titular character from the 1999 animated movie. Oft overlooked, The Iron Giant is a really good movie. Check it out. Su-per-man.

7. BATs- These Battle Android Troopers were the robotic minions of Cobra, a ruthless, terrorist organizaion built on world conquest. They were pretty easy to kill, but the toys were especially cool because you could switch out their hands for various weapons (blow torch, anyone?).




6. Krang's Robot Body (Exosuit) - Krang is an evil warlord from Dimension X that appears in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon series. He had a couple of different ways to get around, but the absolute coolest was his exosuit. Look at that thing! Awesome. Plus the toy was amazing. Something like 12" tall. Oh, and somebody plllease, get this T-shirt made!

5. ED-209 - Enforcement Droid Series 209 is the beast of a robot from RoboCop that serves as the only true competition for RoboCop. Its arms are giant machine guns!

4. IG-88 - A robot bounty hunter that was hired by the Evil Galactic Empire to search out the Millenium Falcon in The Empire Strikes Back, IG-88 didn't get very much screen time. This travesty has been rectified in numerous novels in which he is declared the "second greatest bounty hunter in the universe" (after Boba Fett).


3. Gort - Klaatu barada nikto! Built from a single piece of flexible metal, Gort is a robot that could destroy the world if he wanted to. If you aren't familiar with him, check out The Day the Earth Stood Still before the remake comes out.

2. Optimus Prime - No, Michael Bay did not create Optimus Prime. Before that movie, there was a weekly cartoon dedicated to Optimus Prime and his crew of Autobots. Plus, come on, he's one of the coolest toys ever.

1.T-101 - This was the model number of the Terminator that Ahnold brought to life in T2. His CPU is a neural net processor; a learning computer. Anyway, I can only think of a scant few sci-fi films that have a better mythos than the world of The Terminator, and the T-101 was one of the coolest heroes ever.

- Jordan M.
Commerce, TX

Top 15 List of the Week

Top 15 Upcoming DVDs





Don't know what to buy? I'll help you. This is a list of the next fifteen standard definition DVDs that you should snag.

1. Warner Director's Series: Stanley Kubrick Collection - 10/23 - This boxset is gonna be great. Finally, Warner is giving Kubrick his due with these special editions, which includes 10 discs, housing Eyes Wide Shut, Full Metal Jacket, 2001, The Shining, and A Clockwork Orange. Plus a whole slew of special features and what have yous.

2. Twin Peaks: Definitive Gold Box Collection - 10/30 - Finally season two of David Lynch's surreal TV series is being released. And not only that, it's coming in a box with the first season and with the as of yet only available in bootleg and other regions pilot episode of the series.

3. From Beyond: Director's Cut - 9/11 - One of the unreleased Stuart Gordon's (Re-Animator)Lovecraft adaptations. Stars the always amazing Jeffrey Combs! This thing has been in production/release limbo for a long, long time now.

4. Vincent Price: MGM Scream Legends Collection - 9/11 - Vincent Price. 'Nuff said.

5. Blade Runner: Ultimate Collector's Set - 12/18 - This is a crazy huge set for Ridley Scott's best film. Five discs of Blade Runner, which includes all of the variations of the film. Fan boys are salivating.

6. The Roger Corman Collection - 9/18 - Corman is the king of the B picture, and this set includes cult classics like A Bucket of Blood and The Trip (plus tons more)

7.Breathless: Criterion Collection - 10/23 - Considered by many to be Godard's best film, Breathless finally gets the Criterion treatment.

8. Knocked Up: 2-Disc Unrated - 9/25 - Hilarious Judd Apatow film that, even with its fairly long running time for a comedy, left me wanting more. Hopefully, will get more in this two disc set.

9. Days of Heaven: Criterion Collection - 10/23 - Mallick only directs like one film a decade, and this is supposed to be his best one. Can't wait to see it.

10. Cruising - 9/18 - Possibly Friedkin's last great film, this one stars Al Pacino as undercover cop posing a a homosexual!

11. Someone's Watching Me - 9/25 - Early Carpenter. All Carpenter is good Carpenter (even Ghosts of Mars), so I'm looking forward to watching this one.

12. Commando: Director's Cut - 9/18 - A director's cut of Commando? You know you want to see that.

13. Masters of Horror: Season 1 - 8/28 - Haha. You all bought them seperately, but here they are in one big box set. Jokes on you.

14. Witchfinder General - 9/11 - Vincent Price on a witchhunt. This is one of the latest in the newly resurrected MGM Midnight Movies series.

15. Night on Earth: Criterion Collection - 9/4 - Probably Jim Jarmusch's most acclaimed film, this one is ripe for a Criterion release.

I'm elated, because the next few weeks of releases are genre-fanboy heaven. MGM has brought back their Midnight Movies series, Blue Underground is gonna re-release a bunch of Anchor Bay's back catalog (as they are prone to do), and there are just all kinds of great releases coming out. Excellent.

- Jordan M.
Commerce, TX

Top Ten List of the Week

Top Ten Teen Comedies

The release (and sheer coolness) of Superbad has prompted me to make this one. My list of the week this week is the top ten teen comedies of all time. I don't claim to be an expert on the genre, but it's pretty young and I think I've seen enough to make a competent list. What makes a teen comedy? Well, in this case, we're saying that the characters in the films themselves must be in their teens. There's also an intangible here that I'm not really able to pinpoint. What I mean is this, the protagonist (Max) in Rushmore is in his teens but that is not a teen comedy. Let's just say that we all know what a teen comedy is and I'm not going to define it anymore. Deal with it.

NOTE: EDITED 8/28 TO INCLUDE HEATHERS

This is kind of a toughie, but I'll give it my all (and try to limit the nostalgia factor):

1. Superbad
2. Dazed and Confused
3. Heathers
4. Fast Times at Ridgemont High
5. Can't Hardly Wait
6. American Pie
7. Ferris Bueller's Day Off
8. Say Anything...
9. Sixteen Candles
10. Risky Business

- Jordan M.
Commerce, TX

Top Ten List of the Week

Top Ten Movies of 2007 (Thus Far)

I'll be the first to admit that I've not seen enough movies from this year yet to make me qualified to construt such a list as this. But tough titty. I'm doing it anyway. So, here it is, my top ten favorite flicks of the year, thus far, in order:

1. Zodiac
2. Hot Fuzz
3. Knocked Up *
4. Grindhouse
5. 28 Weeks Later
6. Harry Potter and The Order of the Phoenix
7. Live Free or Die Hard
8. The Simpsons Movie
9. 300 *
10. Spider-Man 3

Looking at this list is pretty sad. I must've missed a lot of good films over the course of this year, cause my number ten hole is filled by a movie that I wouldn't give more than a 5.5 out of 10. Hell, the movies at seven, eight and nine wouldn't get more than a six! I've not had the chance to see a lot of movies that I want to (like Bug, Fido, The Lives of Others, Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon, etc.) as of this writing. But that's my list, so far, sad as it is.

* Knocked Up and 300 are technically 2006 films, but had wide releases in 2007

- Jordan M.
Commerce, TX

Top Ten List of the Week

Top Ten Things I Used to Like, But Now Realize Suck

Recently my special lady and I have started playing through Super Mario World on the Super Nintendo (possibly the best platformer of all time). Neither one of us had attempted to thwart Bowser since our salad days, and it’s absolutely amazing how well this game has aged. It would be very easy to get caught up in the nostalgia of it and think that surely all the things that I prized so much as a child still carry as much weight as Super Mario World does. Surely. But you’d be wrong. And I’ll prove it.

Here it is, the top ten things that I used to like, that I now realize suck:

10. Independence Day (Movie)

The recent holiday got me thinking about this one. Riding high on the wave of Stargate and Universal Soldier (however high you can ride on that wave), the German-born Roland Emmerich decided to give us the second most jingoistic action film of all time (the first being Rocky IV), Independence Day (sometimes called ID4, though by whom I don’t know). I remember going to watch this in the theater with my old man (on Independence Day, no less!) when I was ten years old and being absolutely enthralled. Sue me, I loved watching shit blow up.

9. The Pittsburgh Pirates (Baseball Team)

Okay, this may be a little unfair, I’m basically condemning a pretty good team at the time for their latter day bumbles. As I write this, the Pirates are 39-48 and 10 games back in the NL Central and haven’t had a winning season this millenium. But, I was a big Pirates fan when I was a kid. Mostly because of the logo, but also because of Barry Bonds, Doug Drabeck, Bobby Bonilla, Jay Bell, Andy Van Slyke, and Sid Bream, the Jimmy Leyland-era Pirates.. From 1990-1992, they won three division titles and Drabeck won a Cy Young in 1990. If only they had that team again

8. Candlebox (Band)

Candlebox was a “post-grunge” band. Basically that means they came in late on the Seattle grunge explosion and attempted to cop the basic style of some of the bands that had already gained popularity (most notably Pearl Jam - so much so that in 1997 the band recruited Dave Krusen, former Pearl Jam drummer). Don’t get me wrong, I still dig listening to Far Behind and Cover Me from time to time, but their first record went 4X platinum and somehow they have a greatest hits album out. That’s a little much for a less than mediocre band like this.

7. Food Fighters (Toy Line)

The more I think about it, the worse these toys actually were. Believe you me there were tons of bad toys in the eighties, but the Food Fighters I actually liked at the time. They were just crummy figures, with no articulation, shaped like various food items that fought each other. They were broken up into two teams (Kitchen Commandos and Refrigerator Rejects) that evidently didn’t get along. I remember being so happy when I saw these stupid things at Toys ‘R Us for the first time. Ooo! Look toys shaped like my favorites foods...with guns!

6. The Nixons: Foma (Album)

Being from East Texas, I had to listen to The Nixons. It was required for a short stint of time. So in 1995 I bought their album Foma, and, of course, was really into it. I would jam it out on my walkman (that skipped like a bastard) while roller blading down the block. Seriously. Look, I can still listen to Sister, but that’s it. That’s the only song that holds up at all. I’ll tell you how dated this record is: in the linear notes there is a picture of the group all wearing Stussy hats and Redsand and No Fear shirts. Yeah. Cool. I never got any of their other records, so I can’t tell you how bad they are, just stay away from Foma.

5. Korn (Band)

I liked Korn. I’ll admit it.I was in middle school and it made me feel like a little rebel to listen to a CD with EXPLICIT LYRICS! Hey, at least I never felt like Jonathan Davis was “speaking to me” with his angst-ridden lyrics about getting beat up in high school or whatever. I just liked that he said “fuck” sometimes and it was pretty loud. Luckily I got out of them by the time they had pressed their third record. Yikes. Watch them here "performing" with Amy Lee!

4. Friday the 13th (NES Game)

While an argument could be made that the movie could make this list, I ain’t buying that. It’s too much fun for that. And that’s the biggest difference between the film and the game. The 1988 NES game is just no fun. When I was a kid though, I loved anything and everything that had an image of Jason or Freddy on it (still do, actually) because they were from movies I wasn’t allowed to watch. I was, however, able to rent the video game countless times (thanks to there being no ESRB!) and I would sit there playing it without having a damn clue what I was supposed to be doing. And when I play it now, I still have no damn clue what I’m doing.

3. Masters of the Universe (Cartoon Series)

Another one of those cartoons that began life as a toy. Of course, the MOTU line does have the interesting distinction of being a toy line that came about by accident. Of course, when I was a kid I was really into the MOTU cartoon series because of how awesome the action figures were. I mean, Castle Grayskull was the lone king of toy bases until the Technodrome came out years later. Going back and watching it now, it’s such a trite and stagnant show that you wonder if they actually paid writers to hammer out this dreck. I think the idea was that the toys would keep the kiddies watching.

2. Barry Bonds (Baseball Player)

I don’t know how much explanation this one really needs, but I’ll give you the set up. Before he was playing his game of shadows, Bonds was one of my favorite players (I’ve already told you about my love for the Pirates). I remember buying his posters at the book fair that we’d have at school and everything! And he was good. He was especially good in 1993 - hitting .336 with 46 four baggers and 29 stolen bases. Of course his best stint was 2001-2004. But I already didn’t like him by then.

1. POGS (Game)

Call them milkcaps or Pogs or wastes of money, it all amounts to the same thing: little round pieces of cardboard. Everyone I knew was playing pogs for a good fourth month period there in the mid 1990's. And I had the really cool ones, the poison ones with the skull and crossbones on them! the ones that had eightballs (apparently encouraging drug use)! the ones with my favorite football star Drew Bledsoe! Wowie! And then I’d lose them all to some kid who had a 12 lb solid oak slammer. Lousy kid, taking all my sweet Pogs. The fad died off so quickly and I’m sure that there were tons of kids who were pissed off cause they had just gotten into it and spent all their allowance buying some awesome set of Pogs that they never got to used cause Johnny down the street was getting into yo-yos now, cause Pogs are so last summer.


That's it for this weekend.

- Jordan M.
Commerce, TX